Day 13: Filling the Void

On my drive home from Trevor's, I decided to take the long way home because the weather was beautiful  and I had good music to listen to. That is what I told myself at least. To be completely truthful though, I knew exactly what else I was doing. There is a house on my drive to Spring Lake I pass every week, that sells flowers on a roadside stand.

 Not only did I want to buy some of their beautiful fall flowers, I wanted to investigate the sign that read "free kittens." I had no intention of taking any kitty's home, I don't think I am ready for that yet, but I was curious. I felt really guilty about it too. Like I was playing with fire- when you do something you know you shouldn't but you do anyway just out of mere curiosity. What is that like again? Will this make me feel happy? Haha, I sound like an alcoholic, but I admit I have struggled in that same way with drinking. "One drink won't hurt" and "I just want to remember what it is like." Nonetheless, the void is never filled. I seriously need to learn that things will not make me feel any less alone. I know very well that I have a great community of friends and a great family, but i was still having a moment of weakness. A moment of missing what its like to have someone wondering where you, something needing you to come home, someone craving attention from you and eating it up, even if that someone is just a cat. I think you all know I'm not just talking about a cat.

To make a long story short, I pulled over out of utter curiosity. I held an adorable kitten and loved it, but I didn't feel any kind of connection or longing to bring her home. I put her back where she belonged, thanked her owner and bought a bouquet of beautiful flowers. I put on Norah Jones CD Come Away With Me. I rolled down the windows and took my time driving home and I let myself be sad. I knew the longing in my heart could not be filled with something. After a while I turned the music off and to be honest with you, I started praying out loud. Just everything on my heart I spoke out loud and then I sat in silence. I can tell you that by the time I got home I felt far from empty, but completely filled.